The onset seemed insidious. Not like the proverbial bolt of lightning from the heavens. Looking back, I can recognise sign posts that all was not as it seemed. I didn’t recognise them as the indicators that life as I knew it was in the process of being realigned.
Not that I believed I was out of alignment. Hmm. Funny how we can be so steadfast, so intent on making what we believe our reality.
All is not lost, and I feel much more has been found, in this process.
My life-long quest has been to serve as a Healer, a Light-Energy Worker. Since being physically reunited with my Spiritual Family, The Emissaries of Divine Light, through contact with Riverdell Spiritual Centre in Gawler SA, I have found my true North. The joy and comfort of homecoming is indescribable. And always, there is more……..
Over the following months events transpired to remove me from a very toxic work environment, and I started to meet and mix with some beautiful and interesting people more in line with my own views and aspirations. I also travelled to Riverdell twice to participate in residential seminars. My world, both Inner and outer, were being shaped and transformed. I welcomed this process with my whole heart and being.
When we become realigned inside, it reflects in all we say and do, and our outer world moves to mirror our inner world. The old must fall away, die, in order for the new to be born, to come fully into being. Much of my ‘old world’ started dying.
My partner un-partnered me. He could not relate to my dedication to my Inner Spirit, my Spiritual Family and my quest to live in my authentic power. While I initially felt bereft, I know now that he has released me in the kindest possible way to further my quest.
I started to review all aspects of my life, with the help of an Intuitive Coach. Yes! I finally realised and accepted that I needed help, and asked for it. I have been so self-sufficient out of necessity and early programming, I had forgotten how to ask for, and receive help.
I have wept tears of joy and relief when I recognised some of the limiting beliefs and patterns that I had embedded into my psyche from a tender age, when I needed those to survive. They no longer serve me. They can ‘die’, to be replaced by the knowledge that I am powerful in my own right, that as a Fragment of Pure Source Energy, I can direct my Life through Love.
I also learned how to release those who have treated me with anything less than Love, or with acts aligned purely to serve their own agendas. Release with Love, with full Blessing, and move forwards with purpose and the knowledge that I am not directed by any other person’s agendas or controls. How liberating!
So, why am I now experiencing my period of chaos?
I am examining my area of ‘work’, wondering why I have struggled to get any lift-off with my healing practice business, physical and internet based. A wise friend offered me such an Insight Jewel – “what if your plans are not on your Path?”
Which has brought me to embark on re-defining what my Purpose for my business truly is, and how it aligns with my Spiritual Purpose.
This has also prompted the decision to downsize my home, and relocate to a more compact home. I have found it so challenging believing that I have had no control over the physical events required in the process. Why has it taken so long for this beautiful home to attract a family to shelter within its peaceful walls? Is it something I have yet still to do? Have I paid too much attention to detail each open home, wanting / needing prospective buyers to relieve me of my financial burden? Have I lodged too many ‘requirements’ for the sale – right price, right people, right timing (NOW!), right new home to move into.
Last night, a beautiful insight came to me. All Is Well. Relax into the Love of Source Energy. You will recognise ‘right’ as it unfolds. Just as Life declares itself, so does Love, and my Path is unfolding before me.
Can I step out confidently, powered by Love, to greet each moment as it unfolds? For me, that is the only path that leads out of the Chaos of Creation.
How have you managed to keep your Faith during times of Creative Chaos?
I recently visited an elderly woman in her home, in my community therapy role. So much had been happening in her world. During the weeks since my last visit she had experienced some serious health challenges, and her brother had died.
How could I be surprised that she had not managed to continue with the exercise and walking programme we had started?
She was tired, heartbroken and wracked with guilt, describing herself as “full of self-pity” because she was mourning the loss of her dear brother. This had also reminded her of the grief she experienced when her sister died a year previously.
I sat and listened with my Whole Heart.
I was not there to offer solutions, to slap a band-aid over her aching heart, to make light of her feelings. I told her I believed it was good, right and proper to feel such acute loss and to express it. How else do we recover from our deep wounds?
She told me about her family, her ancestors who had migrated to New Zealand from an Eastern European country, just before the time of the Depression. She spoke of a grandfather who worked many menial jobs to provide for his family of seven children. Her parents also worked hard to raise her and her many siblings – a labour of love which she reflected on with great gratitude. She spoke of one of her sisters who had endured many trials and tribulations only to finally triumph – and she now lives overseas. She spoke with love of her own children – their successes and challenges.
In the telling, she called all of her Ancestors into that small lounge. I could feel them standing around her. I told her that I believed that talking about our Loved ones brings them close.
I can recognise the entrenched belief that being occupied fully, being accountable for every minute spent at the expense of any form of pure relaxation, has been ingrained in our psyches. No wonder, then, that this dear soul believed she was “full of self-pity” because her thoughts kept turning to those she loved dearly who were no longer here, in physical form. Because she could not do it for herself, I offered her the gift of my time, so that she could express what her heart was longing to share.
When it was time for me to leave, she hugged me tightly and thanked me for “just listening”. I feel I was the recipient of the greater gift. I heard her heart sing!
Do you feel taking time to grieve is selfish? Do you believe it is a form of self-pity?
I welcome your comments.
You are going to win! With these words spurring me on, how could I not be a winner!
This morning I set out on my morning run, and it was hot already. Along the way, I passed and greeted a mum on her early morning walk, pushing her two small children in their stroller. The older child called out to me as I passed them, “you are going to win!”. How could I not honour that proclamation? How could I even consider feeling tired or discouraged with those beautiful words ringing in my ears?
This set me thinking about the many times I feel discouraged, as if I am wading through sludge. I have a strong work ethic, and set myself tasks and deadlines. This works for me when I have a good idea about a desired outcome, because it keeps me on track and I can measure my progress. But what happens when I am not sure about what I want to pursue or produce?
I am marooned in indecision, in not knowing, what my ‘next step’ is. Do you experience this too?
Business and personal coaching works wonders in helping one to define a pathway, helping to break down goals into manageable steps, in order to reach the defined outcome. This supposes that one already KNOWS or at least has an idea of the desired outcome.
One beautiful practice I was invited to participate in, invited us each to choose a Word to define a theme to focus on through the new year ahead, and to choose four Supporting Words to cushion or supplement the Word.
I have chosen SURRENDER.
Nothing works easily when I am pushing uphill, trying to do it all alone. I am not giving up, just practising being present in the moment, experimenting with ‘flowing’ rather than being rigid.
My supporting words are Grace, Gratitude, Courage and Insight – all qualities I will need to call on and include in my daily living.
Which brings me back to the proclamation “You are going to win!” We are all winners when we focus on what inspires us, what gives us meaning, and practice living in the present moment. And when we have others cheering us on!
“You are going to win!” – how does that make YOU feel?�
I have a heavy heart moving into this new year. Endings and more endings, because I am grieving the loss of two people dear to me.
My sister Anne has dementia and she is sliding further into the space between here and there. While she is still physically present, I miss her intellect, her sharp wit, her full presence. She is my older sister. I have known her my whole life. I never imagined that I would not be with her ‘fully’. She was the drawcard for my move to live in Christchurch.
She always looked after my younger brother and I; we looked up to her and trusted her guidance. As the eldest child, she copped the authority of our parents, and she fought hard for her independence. She is super intelligent, and my brother and I had a hard time following after her at school. She chose her own path, and with her husband travelled to places I have only ever dreamt of.
Now, I call on all my parenting and therapy skills as I navigate our relationship. She can’t remember what she ate two minutes ago, or whether she has eaten at all. She can’t dress herself. Her spatial awareness is impaired – steps are a challenge, and she doesn’t recognise familiar objects. Loud noises and busyness upset her, and her tolerance levels are reduced. Soon, she will need to be placed into full time care, which seems like a jail sentence. Excepting, there is no parole to look forwards to.
My heart is breaking. How did her Soul choose this challenge in this Lifetime?